Wouldn’t it be Funny If…

I think it’d be hilarious if some massage parlor in some relatively crappy part of town just *screamed* “brothel” at every possible turn.  Let’s say, first and foremost, it was named The Happy Ending Massage Parlor.  That right there would get the cops’ attention as they passed by.  Once inside, most of the rank-and-file would speak very little english, and the english they were able to speak was littered with innuendo, but it would be completely incidental.

The irony, of course, would be that the place would be just about as squeaky clean (in practice as well as it’s surfaces and implements) as any upscale gym or spa.  Every sign would point to this place being the proverbial house of ill-repute, but it would just be a ridiculously long series of coincidences.

I couldn’t walk by a place like that without laughing.

Most of us have seen the second Wayne’s World movie (though, a great many of us could’ve gotten along just fine without it, but I digress…). There’s the part in the movie where the old British roadie guy is describing how Ozzy Osbourne refused to perform onstage unless he had 1000 brown M&M’s in a brandy glass. I realize it’s fictional and all that, but that story has always made me think less of rock stars (well, the types of rock stars that would pull that crap - and I believe they exist).

So, to set the scene: let’s say Tom Smith is a famous musician who is slated to perform at the Staples Center in downtown L.A. It’s a few minutes before he’s to start playing when he suddenly has a hankering…

Tom Smith: I’m not playing unless you get me 15 pure white doves. I want their beauty in my presence.
Guy in Charge: Um, sorry, that’s not going to happen.
TS: Well, then I guess I’ll just pack up my prissy little knickers and be on my way, then.
GiC: Aw, crap, don’t leave, let me see what I can do…
TS: Excellent.

Now, what if GiC left the room and returned with a gigantic, pro-wrestler-looking dude in tow. Without saying a word, Big Man proceeds to beat the ever-loving piss out of Mr. Smith. Once Mr. Smith is good and screwed up, Big Man quietly gather’s the musicians personal effects (as well as Tom himself) and walks them all to the back entrance of the building and summarily tosses the lot outside into some alley and closes the door.

And the crown jewel of the whole thing would be that it was videotaped, start to finish (including the musician’s prickish behavior at the beginning that ultimately landed him bloodied in a Los Angeles alley).

I think if more venues were this (in)tolerant of candy-assed musicians and their unreasonable “requirements”, music would be better, generally.

There’s always the guy (and it’s rarely a female, by the way) who has some inner drive for heroism and justice. He’s the one who, whenever he sees anything that looks like a conflict or dangerous situation, absolutely must go “check it out”.

For example: you and Mr. Hero are walking down the street and, in the distance, you notice what appears to be a verbal altercation between a man and a woman. Nobody’s being physically assaulted, but it looks pretty heated from where you’re standing. This is generally when Mr. Hero’s inner Spiderman seems to spring to life:

MH: Dude, wtf is going on over there…
You: Looks like they’re having an argument.
MH: I’m going to go over there and make sure everything’s cool.
You: Uh, k.

You understand the kind of person to which I’m referring.

Now, imagine this to an almost ridiculous degree (and I use the word “almost” because I’m certain there are a handful of dudes walking around who actually pull crap like this). You and Mr. Hero are driving around in your Corolla, listening to some tunes and heading over to the local coffee establishment. From behind, you hear sirens and notice a fire engine barreling down the road in your direction, ostensibly to go put out a fire.

MH: Dude, follow them.
You: What? Why?
MH: They might need us. Just do it.
You: Are you frickin’ kidding me? They’re firefighters. We’re not.
MH: Still, you never know when they’ll need an extra set of brave hands, right?
You: Whatever, dumbass.

To me, it would be even funnier if it were the police instead of the firemen (and sadly, probably more plausible). A few (say, 4) of the local policemen are having an “incident” with a couple of guys on the side of the road - perhaps a traffic stop gone sour, whatever. Mr. Hero is the guy who would saunter over into the general area of the goings-on and just stand at a distance, ready to spring into action if the situation should call for it. So, if the two undesirables happen to subdue the 4 police officers, he can walk in like Charles frickin’ Bronson and regulate on their asses, quick-style.

MH: Check out this pair of losers.
You: You mean the guys the cops are talking to?
MH: Yeah - they look like trouble, if you ask me. Maybe we should go back up the cops.
You: Ok, first the crap with the fire truck and now this? Get the hell out of my Corolla.
MH: Dude, I’m just…
You: Out.

IBS is no laughing matter. Unless it’s happening to one of the toughest cops on television.

Let me paint you a word picture - Stabler and Benson are on foot in hot pursuit of an armed suspect, racing wildly through the streets of NYC. Both cops are yelling at the guy to stop, freeze, all that jazz. The camera pans forward to the back of the bad guy, the pans quickly back to Detective Benson, who is now whispering quietly into her police radio that Stabler had to make “a quick exit”. The camera flashes quickly to Stabler ducking into the nearest business whose door is unlocked and, with his badge in the air, yelling almost unintelligibly about a “police emergency” and searching frantically for the nearest commode.

Now just in case that one didn’t exactly strike a chord with you, here’s another hypothetical. There’s a serial killer on the loose and Captain Kragen has all of his troops assembled in the common area of the police station. Everyone is looking solemn and determined as the Captain details the crimes committed by the target of what could only be described as a manhunt. Stabler is standing confidently and supportively near the center of the action, making damn sure that nobody is taking this too lightly.

The very next second, he’s at a dead run, knocking over any unfortunate constables unlucky enough to be between him and relief. There’s an awkward silence as he damn near takes the bathroom door off, at which time the Captain makes several feeble attempts to corral the cops back into some type of order, then sighs reluctantly and says quietly to himself, “That poor son of a bitch…”

Anybody who’s shopped at a liquor store has gathered that, generally, the adult-oriented publications are kept behind the counter. Also, the covers of some of the racier magazines will be obscured by a black plastic placard. This is understandable.

Lately, I’ve been seeing this same placards appear in the magazine rack at the grocery store, typically covering up magazines like Vogue, Cosmopolitan and others like them (generally targeted at your standard female.). While I understand that phrases like “in Bed” and “Sexual” appear on the cover, it’s hardly the same thing as what’s on the cover of Penthouse.

So, if the grocery stores really want to get serious, they should invent a small device that attaches to these placards that, when disturbed beyond a fraction of an inch, will loudly announce whatever is on the cover of the magazine.

I can picture it now - a guy in his early 30’s is picking up a quart of milk and some eggs. He collects his goods and proceeds to the checkout line to make his purchase, where he is met with a line of several other shoppers. So, in a fit of boredom, his eyes wander lazily over to the magazines. He sees this month’s issue of Cosmo, but can only see the name of the magazine and the forehead of the woman on the cover (due to most of it being covered by a spiffy black placard). Intrigued, he reaches over and lifts up on the placard. Suddenly, a voice from inside the magazine rack begins to (very loudly) recite taglines similar to:

• How to Make Him Completely Lose Control in the Sack!
• Feeling Small? Maybe a Boob Job is What You Need!
• 15 Movies that will Have You Sobbing within 15 Minutes!

Special bonus if there’s some type of falling confetti or balloons or something.

The next time one of these folks comes to door, answer it promptly. Chances are, they’re holding some sort of clipboard or prop for use during their sales pitch. This is where the fun starts.

First, grab whatever they’re holding (unless it’s a leaflet or something disposable, then go for the whole stack), step back into your house and close/lock your door. Now, call out to them through the locked door - tell them they can have their stuff back if they perform one of the following actions (and feel free to get creative here, these are just suggestions):

• Sing The Star-Spangled Banner in their best Irish Brogue
• Remove one of their shoes and double-knot it to the nearest metal or wood fixture
• Tell them to repeat whatever you say, but in the loudest intelligible voice they can muster (have some fun with that one)

Obviously, these are just poor working folks trying to get by, but that doesn’t mean you can’t have a little fun with them :)

I’m sure you all recall the scene near the beginning of the now-immortal film The Matrix where Morpheus and Neo are talking in that old rickety house and Neo is presented with the red and blue pills - symbolic of choosing “the real world” and the lie he’s been caught in, respectively.

Now, imagine the dialog went something like this:

Morpheus: “You can take the blue pill, and…”

Neo: “Holy crap, is that a Mike and Ike!?” - who then quickly snatches the blue pill from Morpheus’ hand and ingests it.

Neo: “Ugh, that didn’t taste like Blue Raspberry at all…”

Neo then wakes up in his own bed, continues unenlightened existence and lives out his days as a failed software developer, never knowing of the bloody war being fought over dumbasses like him.

Anybody who has seen the television show 24 knows that Jack Bauer is a total badass.

But what if every time somebody bled, even a little, he started puking his guts out the way you’d imagine a septic tank maintenance guy would do his first day on the job? It would certainly make interrogating suspects a whole lot more fun to watch…

“Jack, you gonna go beat the hell out of that terrorist so he’ll tell us where the nukes are?”

“Yeah. You got my bucket?”